Hiding the Pain

[Deleted]

((September 30th-1:00 am, Rec Room))

It was early in the morning, far too late for someone to be up in the rec room and drinking high grade like an idiot. Did Sideswipe care? Hell no, was all he thought and not to mention he was far over energized from high grade. ALready several bottles lied scattered on a large table, several others not yet opened and other empty ones lying on the table or floor. It was a pitiful sight for a promising Autobot warrior, especially a combat instructor and blades master he was known to be.

Sideswipe had lost that spark of fight in him,he had it when needed but he was full of grief, pain, and loss, anger that he had kept pent up for years. Now it caught up to the silver wheeled-footed mech. Was it wrong to hide it? Probably. Was it doing harm? Of most definitely. But he just didn't care, he was drunk anyway and far too drunk to even head to his own quarters where he could hide it easier. Anyone who came in would know he had been at this for some time and not just that night, Sideswipe already opening another bottle and gulping it down like he hadn't had anything for days.

Dropping the bottle he belched before slumping on the table, his optics half closed and barely looking much of the warrior his friends knew. So much pent up emotion and he told not a soul. His thoughts went to the loss of his friend and brother and both recently back, the loss of the colony and being unable to extract his revenge on Demolisher, his feelings of failure for his team, and feeling he was doing more harm then good. Sometimes he wondered if the Autobots were better without him there, to teach them he felt he wasn't doing much better then IRonhide would.

~"Damn it all to the pit! I might as well snuff my spark here!"~ He growled angrily and threw a full bottle of high grade at the wall, the glass shattering to pieces and high grade splattering everywhere. But again Sideswipe only stared before slumping bakc in the chair, his depression showing at last.

[Notitia]

Notita was exhausted, her recent Scouting Mission had been a bust. She slowly made her way to the Rec Room to grab a Cube before heading off to recharge and think on when she would meet up with Bloodshock again, she really missed him.

Making her way through the doorway to the Rec Room she stopped when she saw the mess on the wall across from her and follwed the trail of debris back to it's source.

Sighing she walked over to her friend, Sideswipe who was slumped in a chair and definately not looking as sharp and shiny as he usually was. Thinking it was partially her fault for how she had reacted to him back in August - with it now being the end of September - she decided to try and do some damage control.

~"Sides? What are you doing here in this pitiful and depressing state, shouldn't you be recharging?"~ she asked as she made her way over, completely forgetting about getting her own Cube and sitting across from Sideswipe trying to look her friend in the Optics to guage his reaction.

[Red Alert]

Red Alert had been watching Sideswipe through the cameras that were in the rec room, wondering if he should do something. Most of the base was asleep, and he wasn't 100% that the silver warrior's actions warranted waking someone up. At a little after one in the morning, he remotely patched into the security system, and headed out to the rec room, locking the security room behind him. When he did reach the rec room, however, he heard another voice, and guessed that someone else had gone into the rec room. Still, he didn't leave, instead waiting outside the door, out of sight.

[Deleted]

Sideswipe, though optics half closed, just looked at his friend with a pitiful, depressed look. This had been the first time they had talked since August but he guessed she felt it was partially her fault for his state at the time. ~"Because I have a lot of problems Noti, too much pent up that I have been trying to keep hidden and it finally caught up to me, so frag recharging."~ He said with a low growl, forcing himself to sit up straight and look the femme scout right in the optics.

Deep in his optics Notitia could see the turmoil, torture, and tiredness he was facing, he had for some time now but had managed to find the energy and effort to hide it all, even from his long time mentor and friend Ironhide. Then he let out a random hysterical laugh, ~"Remember the old days before we became separated Notitia? How me and Sunstreaker gave hell to the bots? Especially Red Alert. Primus that bot was so paranoid and we teased him about it, played pranks and all just to see that reaction before we were nearly threatened with the brig!"~ Again he chuckled without knowing why, it all had been a cruel trick.~"Guess I have to admit Red Alert isn't that paranoid, he just is concerned for the Autobots, honestly I respect him and what we did was stupid stuff to a bot who didn't deserve it."~

His laughed faded and once more he sighed,~"Then I lost you and SUnstreaker, primus it was so hard and I went off on my own to improve my skills before I returned to the war and was assigned to defend a colony. Know what else? I failed! LEft for dead by that fragger Demolisher and failed to extract my revenge! I killed humans when he showed himself, went on a rampage with little care for the destruction. Now I train others and think myself a master? I am a horrible wreck with the thoughts and emotions I hide! Slag it I have made so many mistakes I wonder how I live with it."~ He confessed his feelings and thoughts without a second thought.

In a way Sideswipe was guilty, angry, sad, depressed, and a bit giggy all at once. It was a wonder why he hadn't exploded or collapsed.

[Notitia]

Hearing Sideswipe talk about the pranks they played on Red Alert, she thought back to how jumpy the poor Security Mech was, and yes he was still a jumpy Mech but war did that to some. When he went on about how he felt when the three of them - her, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker - had been seperated, she paused and looked him hard in the Optics.

She could see that he was blaiming himself for things that no-one could have foreseen, and he thought he had 'Failed!' Turning and sitting down next to him she reached an arm around the tormented silver Mech, who was currently a shell of his former, out-going personality, and gave him the biggest hug she could muster from this position.

~"Ya know Sides, I really missed you and Sunny heaps whilst I was on that one mission that I couldn't tell anyone about, and then when I had finally got you two back, we were seperated even more due to our postings. Why they decided to split up our group, when they knew how well we worked together, I will probably never know."~ she said and then releasing Sideswipe she laid her arms on the table and rested her helm on them turning her face to look at him as she continued.

~"I am really sorry if I upset you in anyway when you saw me with Bloodshock. I didn't mean to snap at you, but my Spark tells me that he is my other half and I'm not going to ignore it. I too am fed up with this slaggin' war, I have already lost too many who were close to me, and now I see you here drowning your woes in High-Grade and it won't do you any good.'~

Shutting her Optics for a moment to think back on those she had lost to this war, and it was almost too many to bear, she sighed shakily through her vents and barely registered a drop of Energon leak from her Optics. With her Optics still shut she continued, ~"I have lost my brothers, my Femme Creator to this war, I have no idea where my Mech Creator is, let alone his designation, and now if you keep this up I may just loose you too. I really don't think I could stand to loose the two Mechs who are more Brothers to me now than ever, just remember that what you do to yourself Sunstreaker feels also so if you die and join the Well of Sparks, so will he. And where would that leave me? Alone!"~

The last part was said in a whining tone as she finally cracked and broke down into sobs, she hated to see any she was close with damage themselves in such a way, especially such a destructive one such as what Sideswipe was doing, it was tearing her apart inside.

[Red Alert]

Red Alert leaned against the wall to the side of the door as he listened. He didn't think that it was right, just standing outside the door like this and eavesdropping. He was worried about Sideswipe, yes, but one of Sideswipe's friends was here now, so there should be no reason for him to stay, but he still did. He knew that leaving wouldn't have made much of a difference; he'd only end up keeping an optic on Sideswipe from the Security Room.

When he heard his name mentioned, he snapped out of his thoughts, unable to help listening. A small smile spread across his faceplates as Sideswipe spoke, remembering all the different incidents where he and his twin caused mass terror and chaos, though it had all been, for the most part, harmless fun. It surprised him to hear Sideswipe, indirectly, apologizing for what he and Sunstreaker had done. It was, as far as he could remember, the first time a bot had said that.

[Deleted]

Sideswipe looked at Notitia when she hugged him yet he didn’t speak until she had finished, his spark aching at seeing her suddenly upset and sobbing. Almost sobering up a bit Sideswipe reached over and pulled Notitia into a strong embrace while gently wiping her tears. ~”Noti I had no idea it was that for you, and no I am not angered nor hurt from that time with Bloodshock. I just…I didn’t want to risk seeing you killed or hurt, we’ve all been through so much and to lose someone else I care for like a sister would only make this worse.”~ He said softly and kissed her forehead.

~”Just everything I’ve been through has come back and kicked me in the aft. Perhaps I have overreacted but I didn’t want to admit to any of you that I was losing my edge, all because of my pride I was an idiot to see I was doing more harm than good with this.”~ He said and sighed a bit. Sideswipe looked at the empty bottles and the ones not yet open, by now he probably should have passed out but he had become so use to the high grade his systems probably could handle it more. ~”Primus I can only imagine what Ironhide, Optimus, Ratchet, or Red would say if they saw this.”~

[Notitia]

Sighing at when Sides pulled her into his embrace and then placing a kiss on her forehelm, she smirked when she heard Sides call her by the shortened version of her name. Everytime he or his Twin called her 'Noti' it always, always came out sounding like 'Naughty' and that in the end caused her to laugh lightly.

When Sideswipe spoke about what Prime, Ratchet, Red Alert and Ironhide would say when they saw what Sideswipe had done to the Rec Room she just couldn't hold back her comment of, ~"Knowing Ratchet he would bean ya upside ya helm with one of his infamous Wrenches, Prime would just pinch his nasal ridges and sigh in disappointment, Red would want ta have ya aft in the brig till ya were sober enough ta clean it up and as for old Iron Aft.... well he would make ya clean it all up, then run ya Aft ragged on the training course, whilst ya still hung over from the High-Grade."~

Snuggling into her seudo-brothers arms she relaxed with the occasional snigger leaving her vocalizer as she thought of all the scenario's that could play out from Sides being caught by any of the four Higher Ranking 'Bots. She really hoped that Sideswipe would remember to rely on her for anything at anytime should he need it from her and she setteled down into the comfort Sideswipe offered her and her him in this instance. She had truely missed her two favorite Prankster Twins and now they were back together.

[Red Alert]

Red Alert had to chuckle a bit at Noti's comment about what he would say, and decided to enter the room. "Actually, he would say that Sideswipe is lucky that his drinking is during such early hours, otherwise Ratchet, Optimus, and Ironhide just might have found out sooner from someone else getting them." He spoke as he walked in, his hands clasped behind his back. "But, since this is occurring during recharge hours, I'm willing to let you go with a warning about drinking to this degree, seeing as you now have someone to make sure you don't do anything stupider or crazier than usual." His face was set stern, like it normally was, but there was the barest of smiles at the corner of his mouth, if one was observant.

[Deleted]

Sideswipe smiled glad to see Notitia was at least laughing and pretty much summing up what he knew the others would do. Though a training session with Ironhide or a whack to the head might have right about now, he was drunk as the pit yet slightly sober enough to at least spend time with his best friend and get sense into his head. Though the voice he heard was the last bot he expected and Sideswipe turned to gaze at Red Alert figuring he had been listening, but boy he was glad to see the familiar stern face of the security bot he had once teased all that time.

"Red I can admit I wouldn't have minded a punishment but a warning is just fine, and judging by that slight smile your trying to hide you heard what I said." Sideswipe said before letting of Notitia for a bit and stood skating over to the security bot and rested a hand on his shoulder,"And I meant hat apology Red Alert, not going to prank you like that as I use to." He promised with a slight drunk smile.

[Notitia]

Notita noticing Sideswipe letting go of her watched as he approached Red Alert and placed one of his hands on the Security Mechs shoulder. Slowly getting up and stretching out the few kinks in her armor from sitting as she had been, she made her way over to the pair and was mentally figuring out a way to get the Silver Mech back to his quarters before his systems finally shut him into stasis.

"Come on Sides, time ta get ya back ta ya quarters, I'm sure Red Alert is greatful to ya for the appology about the previous pranks ya pulled on him in the past. You on the other hand need ta recharge or you will have one pit of a processor ache when everyone else gets up in the morning, and you know the upper Command doesn't like it when we're late for the meetings." she said before turning to Red Alert and saying, "Ya know Red... Eavesdropping is not really a good idea, but I am truely glad it was you who showed up and not Prime, 'Hide or Ratchet, because I don't think they would have been near as leanient with him. Ya truely one of a kind Red Alert, and I hope the others realise that ya truely do care for them even if they see it otherwise as Paranoia, if it keeps us all online then I don't mind the paranoia - it makes ya even more unique, and being unique makes you worth a whole lot more to everyone, no matter what they may say otherwise."

Giving the Security Mech a quick hug in thanks, she gently grabbed Sideswipes hands and began to pull him in the direction of his quarters before turning around and saying "I'll be back once I've dealt with Sides here, and I'll clean up his mess in here. If I do it it will be done faster and cleaner than if he did it."

[Red Alert]

Red Alert flinched a bit when Sideswipe placed his hand on his shoulder, though he let it remain there. It was a big gesture from the paranoid Security Chief, as he rarely let most bots just casually touch him. "A punishment isn't what you need right now, Sideswipe. What you need is to rest and unwind. As far as pranks go, we'll see if you remember your promise when you've sobered up some." The slight look that he gave Sideswipe was saying that he wasn't expecting Sideswipe to completely stop with the pranks. In truth, he'd gotten somewhat used to them.

He glanced over at Notitia at her comment about eavesdropping, and smirked just a little. "Have you forgotten that I'm the 'Bot who sees and hears all. If I wasn't down here, I'd be in my office keeping an optic on Sideswipe. As for the mess, don't fret about it too much. Make sure Sideswipe is taken care of first."

[Deleted]

Looking at Red Alert he gave him a brief smile before he was being taken out of the rec room by Notitia, but the high grade seemed to be kicking in again as he followed his old friend. He was hardly sober but he had found enough will to do so for a short time now…it was gone. “You know Notitia I never knew there was three of ya.” He said his vision blurring or making things appear to be more then normal and he shook his head.

Yea Sideswipe really did have to give up such an addiction before his systems ended up in rough shape, but he knew it wouldn’t be that easy. He had been at this for a few months already and it had gotten worse over time, what was he going to do when he finally met the daughter he never knew of until recently. And in his drunken state he looked at his friend.”Oh Noti I forgot to tell ya, I found out I have a daughter.”He said his words beginning to sound a bit slurred.

[Notitia]

Notitia smirked when she heard Sideswipe say, "You know Notitia I never knew there was three of ya.” She shook her head and replied, "But there is only one of me Sides! You're just too over charged from the High Grade and that is affecting your processors and Optics. Although you do have to admit that if there were three of me... kinda like Arcee, my job would be soo much easier. Although lifting your heavy aft would be almost impossible then." as she hitched her life-long friend up higher on her shoulder.

What she expected him to respond with next never came, but what he did say next made her come to a complete stop. ”Oh Noti I forgot to tell ya, I found out I have a daughter.”

She had to have heard him wrong, hadn't she? Did Sideswipe, just say what she thought he had said, even though it was slurred?

She placed Sideswipe up against the wall beside them and turned so that he was facing her, and she did something she had never thought she would do to him since they first met... she slugged him one right across his jaw-line with her left fist and then slapped the back of his helm hard with her right hand. Her Optics had gone from being her calm Cerulean blue to almost white, she was fraggin' pissed. Gritting her denta, she growled out, "So who did you 'knock-up' to coin a human phrase here. Never thought you would be the one crazy enough to create any offspring! You do realise that when Ratchet finds out he will pull a Prowl and either fritz or weld your aft to a Med Berth until he has run a diagnostic on you." she tried to calm herself down some and took a few deep intakes of cool air before doing something Sideswipe would probably never expect her to do... She turned around and started to head towards Med Bay, all but dragging Sideswipe with her, making sure she had a tight enough grip on his arm to keep him going where she wanted him to go.

Internally she was screaming that life just wasn't fair, why should one of the Prankster Twins have any offspring when neither she or his twin had none? It made very little sense to her, but she felt something click somewhere in her chassis and processor, she ignored it though as her main responsibility right now was getting Sideswipe checked out by Ratchet to make sure he was completely fine.

[Deleted]

Sideswipe could all but grin at her and knew she was right, three of her would have helped greatly though he couldn’t imagine three of his life-long friend. Yet when she leaned him against the wall, she seemed shocked and he at first didn’t know why but the blades master’s optics widened as she slugged him in the jaw then slapped him right on the back of his helm, Sideswipe grunting as he rubbed his jaw then his head. What the hell? At first Sideswipe was confused until she went off on him about having an offspring and the fact of what Ratchet would do when he knew.

But as Notitia dragged him along Sideswipe found himself able to be somewhat sober and pulled back hard,”I didn’t know till Prime told me!” He snapped without meaning to sound harsh, but it was and Sideswipe knew it was mostly due to the amount of high grade he had had before.”Noti I have knocked up any human nor have I ever planned to! I mean come on what woman in their right mind would want a mech like me anyhow? Besides your one to talk when you almost go around fragging a con, more or less bond with him!”He snapped and pulled hard to make her let his arm go.